Rule #12 – Learn What You’re Feeling
Your emotions can be your friend if you only see which one is coming ahead of time.
Everyone has feelings. It’s a matter of whether or not you are in touch with them. When you are truly aware of your emotions then you can more easily control them. That’s why there are no wrong or right emotions. It’s what you do with them (your actions) that makes them good or bad.
Having the view that some emotions are evil usually results in being less likely to recognize those feelings. That is, until it’s too late. Take anger for example, most try to stuff it for as long as possible only to eventually blow-up or over react in another situation.
Rule #11 – Discover How Memories Influence You
Memories can be precious, but sometimes they might be scary…even if you don’t remember what they are.
Rule #10 – Hear What You Are Saying To Yourself
Learning to stop bugging yourself is easy if know what’s going on in your life.
Article Published About Memories and Emotions
The following was published in my local newspaper at this link:
Memories, emotions determine behavior
By: WILLIAM O’FLAHERTY, M.A. Herald Standard
It’s all about ME! Does that sound a little selfish? It would if I was referring to “me,” but I have a different meaning in mind. The “M” stands for memories and the “E” stands for emotions. These letters are the missing ingredients to what you experience in life. Most people act as though they believe life is nothing more than “input and output.” Something happens to you and you react to it. Your psychology class called this “S-R,” or stimulus response. Nowadays it’s pretty obvious that a lot more goes on besides these two items.
Yet, in addition to memories and emotions, are two more letters, “s-t.” They stand for “self-talk.” This is the conversation constantly going on in your mind. Most refer to them as thoughts. Of course, many don’t even think much about them because they are like the soundtrack in a movie or TV show. The music is there in the background, but you don’t always notice it.
Backing up for a moment, let’s consider the big picture. As noted already, the input (I) comes first. These are experiences you have, like when the alarm clock goes off in the morning. Your reaction is to turn it off or hit the snooze button. These actions are the output (O). Between the input and the output are the memories (M) and emotions (E). Upon hearing the alarm you have memories about previous days running through your mind. This past history from your life influences how you might feel. If the last few days have been good, then you might actually look forward to getting up.
During each of these four stages you have thoughts, or self-talk, going on constantly in your mind. Besides considering self-talk like a musical background, it might be more helpful to think of it in terms of watching a sports game on TV. Whenever you watch an event there is always a commentator or two telling you about what you are seeing or relating something about what you see to other information. These people even give you an opinion or two along the way. In your own mind you have thoughts that are more like a commentator giving you an opinion about what’s happening.
As you can guess these are commonly gloomy thoughts and you might say they “bug” you. So what you need to do is to stop bugging yourself with negative self-talk. Yet, it’s not as simple as just thinking positive thoughts. That’s because few are even aware of all the self-talk going on in their mind. For every simple “positive” statement you make, there are usually several times more negative thoughts that are below the surface like an iceberg. Thus, the first challenge is to become totally aware of your hidden thoughts. Only then can you take an optimistic view that is realistic to your situation.
Imagine you’re still in school and have to a give a speech. Just before going to the front of the class you could envision yourself throwing up in the middle of the talk, or everyone laughing at what you say. Just thinking you have the best speech ever written and others are going to ask for autograph copies of it will not calm your nerves. Instead, go for a better outlook consistent with the facts. Take the most positive perspective possible without twisting reality.
This becomes difficult because of the previous experiences running through your head. These are the memories that were mentioned at the beginning. If you have commonly done poorly in giving speeches, then you will expect to do the same next time. Focusing on this will then impact your emotions as you get up to give the speech. But the past doesn’t have to be repeated. Each situation is new. Admit what you are facing isn’t easy, and while you probably won’t get an A+ on the assignment, you can get a decent grade because you worked hard and prepared it the best you could.
So, being aware of the memories and the emotions (ME) that are going on in your experiences, along with the self-talk will help you to be able to change your outcome (output).
William O’Flaherty works as a family counselor in the Uniontown area and writes a blog on self-talk at StopBuggingYourself.com
December 27, 2009
Rule #9 – Be The First to Understand
Understanding second and talking first will always put you last.
Previously we learned that Wally Amos realized he wasn’t all that good at listening to others. As a result his cookie business slipped through his fingers to land in someone else’s hands. He came to believe things would have been different had he been better at listening.
When it comes to relationships with others you would do well to apply what he learned. This is a principle that can be expressed many ways. In fact, a well known book put it like this: “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Being a better listener means focusing on what another says and not thinking about how you will reply to what they are saying.
Rule #8 – Build A Better Listening Ear
If you build a better cookie they will buy it, right?
Wally Amos’ aunt made great chocolate chip cookies. As an adult when he was over stressed he created a modified version of his aunt’s recipe that eventual because famous. Some say he had the tastiest cookies around when his company began in 1975.
However, ten years later he was forced to sell his company because of financial problems. What cause this cookie to crumble? Amos himself admits, years later, that he was the reason for the downfall. He was his own worst enemy by not listening to other people. If only he heeded Solomon’s advice that “the wise listen and add to their learning.”
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Rule #7 – Stop Worrying To Be Happy?!
All you need to be happy is to stop worrying, correct?
In the late 80’s a song suggested if you didn’t worry you’d be happy. While a happy person tends not to worry, a lack of worry doesn’t guarantee internal joy. Yet, some of the lyrics to the song proves useful:
It notes there will always be some trouble going on in our life and when you worry about it then you double it. Additionally, by worrying you influence others negatively (you “bring everybody down”). Finally, the song notes we tend to worry about things that won’t last long (“it will soon pass”). So maybe the song had SOME truth in it after all!
Rule #6 – Don’t Let Words Hurt You
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Learn why this is AND isn’t true!
That’s because nothing can be more damaging than the abusive words we say to ourselves. While this childhood expression is over simplified, it actually is a faint reminder that our self-talk is a very powerful force that all need to learn to use properly.
Rule #5 – Be A Responsible Responder
Responding responsibly is your responsibility! Let’s figure out what that tongue-twister means.
If you’re like me you would rather think what happens to you determines your happiness. Life certainly is easier when others are nice to me or things go my way. But the fact that you or I can still get upset at something an outside observer would judge as something good, means it’s NOT the circumstance that determines satisfaction.
You and I need to look beyond the present moment to see the forest and not just the trees. One of the best ways to gain perspective is to remember Who the source of our JOY is, which Nehemiah 8 reminds us is the Lord.
